Wired for Intimacy

[Jim Watt]

“*TWO ARE BETTER THAN ONE” MINISTRIES*

*Jim & Marie Watt*

*Tel: 253-517-9195 - Email: jmbetter at gmail.com*

*Web: www.2rbetter.org*

April 17, 2012


 *2012-04-17 - WIRED FOR INTIMACY -*

*How pornography hijacks the male brain. By William M. Struthers.*


 *We are hard-wired for human intimacy and relationships. *But in our
pornified culture, pornography disrupts how men interact with women.
Countless Christian men struggle with the addictive power of porn. And all
too often our responses, such as prayer and accountability groups, are of
limited help.

Neuroscientist and researcher William Struthers explains how pornography
affects the male brain and what we can do about it. Because we are embodied
beings, viewing these images changes how the brain works, how we form
memories and make attachments. By better understanding the biological
realities of our sexual development, we can cultivate healthier sexual
perspectives and interpersonal relationships. Struthers exposes false
assumptions and casts a vision for a redeemed masculinity, showing how our
sexual longings can actually propel us toward sanctification and holiness
in our bodies.

*With insights for men who struggle and those who care for them, this book
offers hope for freedom and transformation.*


 “*This book opens the door for Christians to talk about men, sex and
addiction in a candid and intelligent manner.” - Douglas Weiss, *Ph.D.,
author of Sex, Men and God, president of the American Association for Sex
Addiction Therapy


 “*Wired for Intimacy is a groundbreaking book on the brain chemistry of
sexual addiction. Every man needs to understand how his sexual choices
affect this crucial part of his humanity. It will be a great help toward
sanctification for those who embrace its message.” - Russell
Willingham, *author
of Breaking Free: Understanding Sexual Addiction and the Healing Power of
Jesus


 “*Finally there's a book that scientifically quantifies what those of us
who work in the field of sexual addiction have long understood: pornography
powerfully impacts the brain. Wired for Intimacy surpasses the typical
recovery book in its scientific foundation and careful scholarship. This is
a much-needed and welcome addition to the Christian literature addressing
the pandemic of pornography.” - Marnie C. Ferree, *director of Bethesda
Workshops, author of No Stones: Women Redeemed from Sexual Addiction


 *William M. Struthers *(Ph. D., University of Illinois at Chicago) is
associate professor of psychology at Wheaton College in Wheaton, Illinois,
where he teaches courses on behavioral neuroscience, men and addictions,
and the biological bases of behavior. His theoretical research in the area
of neuroethics, the biological bases of spirituality and personhood, and
the nature of integration in psychology.


 *Introduction*


 *What is it about pornography* that makes it so appealing to so many men?
Why does a naked female body or a movie of a woman having sex seem to
hijack a man's brain, hypnotizing him and rendering him incapable of making
good decisions? Why might a man who is married to a lovely wife risk that
relationship for a ten-second video clip of a couple having sex? What is it
about being male that makes it so difficult for men to look away?

While pornography ravages and destroys the lives of both men and women,
this book and the research within focuses almost exclusively on
pornography's impact on men. It is true that women are increasingly
becoming consumers of pornography, but there is little doubt that it is
primarily men who are hooked on it. And the reasons that women view
pornography are very different that the reasons men do. Men seem to be
wired in such a way that pornography hijacks the proper functioning of
their brains and has a long-lasting effect on their thoughts and lives.

As a biopsychologist and person of faith, I am in a unique position to
engage many of the questions posed above. It is hard to be a Christian in
the United States and not be sensitive to the pervasive influence of
pornography and the warped views of sexuality that saturate our culture.
Pornography and the hypersexuality found in the media are almost impossible
to avoid.

As I have looked carefully at some of my Christian beliefs about sexuality
and felt convicted to respond to the pornification of our culture, I have
had an unexpected opportunity to integrate my faith with my academic
discipline. As I have studied how the brain develops, how hormones and
culture affect it and how addictions and compulsions develop, it has become
increasingly apparent to me why many men struggle so much. In this book I
share this material, and I hope it can be a part of the healing process
that so many long for.

Like many adolescent boys growing up in the 1980s, I had occasional
opportunities to view lingerie catalogs in the mail and softcore
pornography magazines stashed away by friends and relatives. These were my
first exposures to the naked female form, eliciting what I now know to be
sexual interest. As I grew older, frontal nudity and erotic sexual scenes
in movies became readily viewable on cable television channels such as HBO
and Playboy. Home videotapes made access to all types of pornography easier
than ever before.

While I can't recall feeling a compelling attraction toward pornography, I
won't deny that I found it hypnotizing when I stumbled upon it. But I was
struck by the hold that it had over several of my teenage friends and their
desire to expose me to it. Perhaps I was just late in my sexual awakening,
but as I entered my twenties, my exposure to porn shifted into high gear.
Legally an adult and living with other men who were enjoying the freedoms
of college life, I was exposed to additional forms of pornography. I became
increasingly aware of how many men subscribed to *Playboy* and regularly
rented adult videos. I began to notice how many of my friends and
acquaintances - men who by all other accounts would have made fine
boy-friend and husbands - sacrificed relationships with real women for the
allure of an image of a woman on the magazine page or video-tape of a
couple having sex. I admit that I was not a saint and did not avert my eyes
from every temptation, I believe that it is only by the grace of God that I
was mostly spared from the seductive draw of the pornographic page and
screen.

I can think of many ways I have benefited from computer technologies and
the vast knowledge available on the Internet. But I also delete dozens of
e-mails each day that solicit pornographic material, sexual enhancement
products or opportunities for sexual encounters. My workplace has an
Internet filter, but sexually explicit material is easy to access if you
are determined. I put on self-imposed blinders as I wade through
tantalizing advertisements with Victoria's Secret models in the margins of
my weather forecast. My Internet service provider's homepage is littered
with dating services (“Hot Single Girls in Your Neighborhood Looking for
Love!”) and my sports websites have galleries of scantily clad
cheerleaders. If I watch a soccer match on television with my children, I
have to be vigilant to change the channel when commercials for Viagra are
aired. In a world that has been hypersexualized, it is hard to get through
the day without being battered and numbed by the intrusions of pornography.

Many people have asked me if I have ever looked at pornography. I'm not
sure if the question is geared to label me a hypocrite or to appeal to an
“everybody does it” mentality. When I tell them that I find many things on
television or on newsstands pornographic, they frown. Apparently this makes
me a prude, which is worse than being a hypocrite. Yes, I have viewed
pornography because *it is everywhere*. You cannot get away from it; if you
don't view it intentionally, you will unintentionally. The result is that
repeated exposure to pornography and the objectification of the female body
changes the way our brains see each other. Repeated exposure to any
stimulus results in neurological circuit making. That is how we learn. But
what does pornography teach and how does it change those who regularly
consume it?

My journey in asking this question began several years ago when, as a
faculty member at a Christian college, two significant things happened.
First, I knew three men in different stages of life from varied backgrounds
who had problems with pornography and engaged in sexually inappropriate
behaviors. These men had allowed pornography to warp their idea of
sexuality, impacting them and their families negatively. Watching these men
deal with the consequences of their problems was exceptionally painful. In
one situation, I felt that I had unknowingly contributed to the breakdown
of one man's marriage by encouraging him to discover the wonders of the
Internet for quick and easy stock trading. Instead he discovered it as a
gateway to free pornography and depravity.

A second factor was an upper-division psychology class I taught called Men
and Addictions. In part of this course, I spent a significant amount of
time exploring findings about men's struggles with pornography and
compulsive sexual behaviors. We evaluated whether or not a person could
become addicted to porn and if it should be classified as a clinical
problem. This component to the course turned out to be an invitation for
hordes of college-aged men to visit me during my office hours. There they
confided that they felt trapped by their inability to stop consuming
pornography. The weight of the guilt they carried was heartbreaking.

I began the process of seeking out therapeutic options for these men and
came across statistics about the adult entertainment industry. I was
flabbergasted at the economics and demographics of it all. I met regularly
with these young men and referred them to counselors when appropriate. It
became apparent that many of them were dealing with significant emotional
and spiritual wounds that had resulted from their experience with
pornography. This book is a result of the great need for healing that I saw
in these men as a result of pornography consumption.

My personal agenda will be clearly evident to anyone who reads this book.
It stems from my Christian faith and my desire that each person fully
understand how we all are unique and appreciate how much we share in common
as human beings created in the image of God. My faith requires that every
human life be viewed as sacred and the dignity of every individual be
respected and honored. When we better understand the devastating spiritual,
psychological, social and biological reality of how pornography violates
our unique position in God's creation, we will be better able to minister
to those who have been wounded by it.

Because of this perspective, I view pornography as a institutional evil
that prays on the disaffected, wounded and desperate members of society. I
believe that even those who wholeheartedly embrace pornography's lie of
sexual fulfillment and freedom (whether producers, actors or consumers) are
still loved by God. Our calling as Christians is to examine ourselves and
walk alongside those who have been damaged by this evil. We are not to
demonize others, but to share God's healing, grace and mercy as they
discover their identity in Christ. Healing and right thinking about our
sexual nature are found in the person of Jesus Christ, Scripture, the power
of the Holy Spirit and the ministry of the church.

Many excellent books have been written by Christian authors who explain in
plain terms how men can deal with pornography. They use language common in
Christian culture and easy for many men to grab hold of: lust of the flesh,
sexual sin, diseased soul, sexual idolatry. Much good comes from using this
language when wrestling with the reality of pornography. Many of these
authors rightly frame pornography as more than just an ethical or legal
matter - it is a *spiritual* matter.

Pornography is also a *physical* matter, rooted in the biological
intricacies of our sexual design. In my opinion, nowhere is the complexity
of our sexual nature seen more than in the wiring of the brain. Our
reproductive organs are often given too much attention in the discussion of
sexuality. It is the brain, however, where we feel the sexual longing, the
arousal, the focus and the ecstasy that comes from sexual intimacy. Using
spiritual and psychological language to describe the tenacious grip of
sexually destructive patterns is helpful. But calls to pray harder, move
the computer to the living room and get plugged into an accountability
group only go so far. They come across as hollow to many men whose brains
have been altered and rewired by their experiences with pornography. They
have trained their brains to respond sexually to the pornography they
consume.

We need to move to the next stage of dealing with pornography, cybersex
addictions and sexual compulsions. We can find healthy ways to train the
male brain to understand and act on its sexual nature. By appreciating our
created nature and acknowledging pornography's unhealthy impact on our
brain (and the rest of our body), we have a better path forward.

I hope that as recent scholarship in the brain sciences reframes and
informs our ideas about how we are made, we can develop a better
understanding of how fearfully and wonderfully made we are. Pornography
taps into many men's wrong thinking about themselves, in places where their
brains are most vulnerable to exploitation. But as we appreciate the
reality of our sexuality and place it within the biblical narrative, we
will see hope for redemption. As we more clearly see our need for
redemption and the path of sanctification, we will be better equipped to
heal from the wounds of pornography and allow our sexuality to be a
necessary part of the process by which we are conformed to the image of
Christ.


 *NOTE**: *There is no quotation above from the book proper. From the back
cover and the Introduction, it is our hope than many will order this book.
Part 1: How Pornography Works - and Part 2: Healthy Masculinity and
Sexuality - allows the author to give hope to many who feel hopeless in
this addiction. Mothers and wives can help sons and husbands through this
book.

I immediately ordered a copy when I heard Dr. Struthers on an unexpected
program I turned on. It is published by InterVarsity Press, and can be
contacted by *<www.ivpress.com> * - <Amazon.com> also handles it.



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